What NOT to do at Hogwarts
by Blazeflower
Summary: Basically what the name implies. Has a list of me doing said things and the teatchers getting angry at me and students laughing.
1. Bees

_**1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they're "covered in bees."**_

I was thoroughly and unconventionally bored. What to do? Ooooo, look there's my good friend Cedric, "Oh Cedric!" Strange, he had run away. Oh well, no matter, I can always find and talk to him/torture him later. I walk into the Great Hall and sit at the Hufflepuff table. What? The Gryffindor colors were bothering me. I held up a spoon as I casually inspected it, the Gryffindors were used to this behavior, however the Hufflepuffs are a different story.

God, I hate spoons. They're evil, but everyone always laughs when I say this and I have yet to find proof. I have a strange, not random, thought, the spoons remind me of Hufflepuffs. Seriously, they're shiny (Hufflepuffs could be shiny, but noooo they're still trying to convince themselves that their normal.)

"Ouch!" shouted Hannah Abbott as she jumped at least a foot in the air. She turned to me glaring "Mary, why did you poke me with a fork?" I did no such thing! I poked her with a _spoon_, not a fork, Hufflepuffs don't deserved to be poked with forks. 

I harrumphed as I turned my back on her. I start poking Zacharias Smith he turns to glare at me. I thought Hufflepuffs were supposed to be friendly! 

"Why are you poking me with a spoon?" He growled. 

"You're covered in bees," I replied simply as I resumed methodically poking him.

"STOP!" Zacharias shouted, and that was how I ended up in ol' Minnies office. Professor McGonagall glared at me as I sat down in the chair opposite from hers. 

She rubbed her forehead before "I'm not even going to ask, detention 8 o'clock." I headed back to the Gryffindor common room as soon as I got there I quickly recounted my story and amidst all the laughs Harry shouted "I'm glad you didn't sit at our table today!"

_**Just a cute, short fic. Hope you enjoy! Please R&R. **_


	2. Steve Irwin

_**No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class. **_

I was currently walking to the first class of the day: Care of Magical Creatures! It was my favorite class and not because of Hagrid, it was because I got to wear these really cool gloves. Soon the Golden Trio are walking behind me. I wave them over and they come albeit recently.

"G'day to you mates, sure is a lovely day outside," An accent sewed into my voice.

"Uh, Mary?" Harry asks his eyes were widened in concern as he turned to face me. I nod to acknowledge I'm listening. "It's raining outside." Ron's sides were shaking from trying to contain the laugh that was threatening to blow over.

"Crikey! It is mate, thanks for pointing it out," My voice having the Australian accent perfected. They all looked at me strangely as we got to Hagrids yard.

Miraculously the rain had stopped and there was a rainbow above me. Hagrid soon came out leading a very pretty horse that had feathered wings.

"Now this is a Pegasus, it is commonly related to the unicorn and shares many of its traits" Hagrids gruff voice washed over me as I call loudly "Ain't she a beaut?" I asked most of the people turned to stare at me weirdly. God, I know I'm perfect and everything, but they could at least let up with the staring.

I imitated Steve Irwen until I was sent to the office by Hagrid, (shows I've been bad when one of the nicest teachers send you to your head of house.

As soon as I walk throught the door McGonnagal's head snaps up and before I can even explain myself she opens her mouth and says "Detention!"

_**AN: Sorry if it's not as good as it was in the first chapter but I was half asleep when I wrote this.**_


	3. Ollie wood

"_**I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge. **_

Gryffindor is weird. Seriously. On a Friday night we were sitting in a circle in the common room, having a joke-off. _Who does this stuff anyway? _

"Ok, so Oliver Wood is sitting at-" started Seamus, only to be cut off by Fred.

"Not another Oliver Wood joke! I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name," shouted Fred.

"Oh really?" I said as I slid out of the Gryffindor armchair my steps catlike and my smile reptilian. _Finally some fun! _

"Fred are you an idiot, you just challenged Mary," shouted Hermione, her face horror stricken.

"What, have I done?" Fred asked as the situation dawned onto him before he slumped on his knees shouting "Noooooooooooooooooooooo!"

_Honestly I'm not that bad, am I? No, don't turn your heads away from me or saying that you've got to be someplace. Oh god, I'm talking to the voices inside my head. Maybe people are right, about how I should go to St. Mungos, but St. Mungos has a weird name it's one letter off from mangos and I don't like mangos._

"Ok so why are girls turned on by the sight of Oliver riding a broom?" I asked as I sit back down and watch the chaos that was sure to come.

"Why?" Dean asks hesitantly, slowly edging to the door.

"Because it's Wood on wood action!" I shout. At that there is silence before everyone burst's out laughing. Oliver Wood now had his head in his hands looking mortified.

"It's alright Ollie," I say as walk over to him and place a hand on his shoulder. Everyone had stopped laughing and was waiting for me to do something funny.

"Don't worry, some girls find it sneeeexy." Everyone starts roaring with laughter. Oliver turns a Weasly hair red, before the hilarity of the situation dawns on them and he let out a chuckle.

_Noooooooooooo! He's not supposed to laugh, he's supposed to be so embarrassed he'll move to Australia!_

_**Sorry I haven't updated in awhile, it's just that my computer broke and I just got it back. **_


	4. Doug Hening

_**Putting up Doug Hening posters in Filch's office is not appropriate. **_

I am such an evil little genius! I mean, who else would come up with the idea to put a well known muggle magician in a squib's office? My favorite one was probably him holding a wand (the stupid black and white kind, Ollivander would be ashamed!) and a speech bubble that originally said _Abra Kedabera, _now had _Avera Kedavera_ on it, and with a few permanently sticking charm Filch's office was going to be hell.

Once I finished hanging the poster up, I stood back to admire my work, Filch's office looked like some cheesy magic store. Though I didn't even want to think about how much money this cost me. _Happy thoughts Mary, happy thoughts. Goddamnit! Think butterflies unicorns and chainsaws, all the happy things that make the world go round. _

"Mrs. Norris, what is that you found?" _Oh shit, I was screwed! Time for evasive maneuver number forty-six. _Atthat I duck under a table. As soon as he entered he screamed like a little girl. I consider the chance of getting caught, just so I can let out the howl of laughter that was building in my chest.

"They will get the whip and the chains, I don't care what headmaster says about it!" I briefly revel in the fact that Filch has a kinky side, wait, scratch that, no one can be _that _fond of a cat and not have and S&M fetish. At that I remember Mrs. Norris, I hope she doesn't smell me. Once I finished a that train of though the cat came over and let out a plaintive meow.

"What is it, my sweet?" Filch asked as he started heading over to the desk I was hiding under. Ducking under he come's face to face with me.

"H-hello, do you always keep your living arrangements this strange?" I offer weakly. Lunging for me, he grabbed my ear. I was howling with pain, my eyes watering with unshed tears.

"YOU INSOLENT LITTLE BRAT, I'LL HAVE YOU EXPELLED FOR THIS!" He shouts into my ear. My head was ringing from the loudness of his screech. As he dragged me over to Professor Dumbledore's office.

"Lemon drop," Filch said before he returned to screeching at me. He drag's me up the stairs before he roughly shoves me into a chair. As soon as Dumbledore turned to face me. I realized, for once, that the twinkle was gone. _Oh Merlin I should be sent to Azkaban for this, I killed Dumble's twinkle. _

_Turning to me he gravely said "Detention."_


	5. hairless Mrs Norris

_**I will not shave Mrs. Norris. **_

I was out for blood! That Mrs. Norris, was the reason I had weeks of detention. Three weeks! Not to mention Filch has taking up stalking me, as a hobby. I wonder if I could get a restraining order on him. Oh Mrs. Norris was going to die or be painfully humiliated or both.

"Mary!" Hermione shouts as I stop my pacing.

"What?" I say as I resume pacing in front of the boy's dormitories, before an evil smirk spread over my face. I had to fight the urge to cackle insanely. Instead I just started rubbing my hands below my face.

"You're scaring the first years! Not to mention the rest of us…" Hermione says. I turn to look around and noticed Dean and Seamus had turned a couch over and hiding behind it. Neville had taken the classic 'if I can't see you, you can't see me' approach. Harry and Ron had randomly decided to start heading to the kitchens. Fred and George were pressed against a wall, and Oliver was hiding under a rug.

"Aha!" I say as I snap my fingers, not noticing that everyone had flinched.

I turn to Hermione "Mione, do you have a razor or an ax? Either will do," I say a maniacal twinkle in my eyes. In fact it looked like an older, more insane, brother of Dumbledore's twinkle. Lavender suddenly ran from her hiding (behind Neville) and ran screaming to the dormitories. I spare a brief glance at her, before shaking my head sadly. _I knew that Hogwarts can also count as a mental institute, but this is taking it to far._

"Mary w-, I don't have either," Hermione responded, before saying that she was late for a Quiddich meeting. _Strange, I didn't know Hermione was on the team. This just reinforces my belief that Quiddich will take over the wizarding world… oh look, it already did._

"Bugger, I guess I'll have to use scissors," I state out loud to the common room at large. Moving from the spot in front of the boy's dorms, there was a stamped of males (and the odd female) racing upstairs. Shrugging, I head up to my dorm and grab the scissors, making sure to close them harshly. I look around the room, I could've sworn I heard a muffled scream.

At that I exit the common room and try to find Mrs. Norris. Surprisingly she kept herself well hidden ubtil I found her on a lone corridor. Stalking towards her, I grab her just as she starts caterwauling. Running I open the door to a strategically place broom cupboard. Pretty soon I finish my task, trying to ignore the stinging of the gashes on my arms.

At least no one would find me, or have proof that I did this. At that, I open the door and start heading out. Only to see Mrs. McGonagall patrolling the corridors.

" Miss Gray, what are you doing?"


	6. Skyclad

_**I will not go to class skyclad.**_

I can't believe George dared me to do this. Was this even worth the 5 sickles? I nervously walk down the abandoned corridor. I had purposely been late, so excess people wouldn't see me in this… attire. My dignity was going to be crushed after this.

'_You had dignity?' _The voice inside my head asked that sounded suspiciously like Snape. _'Yes!'_ I replied back.

I stop in front of the door. It was now or never. Walking in I hear many gasps before Dean start's to wolf whistle. I try to hide my blush, unsuccessfully. I _so _did not get paid enough for this. There was silence after that, I chance a glance at Mrs. McGonagall. _Oh great, I just made my teacher have a heart attack. The horror, though I always knew it would either be me or the Weasley twins that sent her into this state. _Slowly I walk over to my desk, climbing atop it, before a random song starts playing in my head. I absent mindlesslyy start singing it.

"_I'm too sexy for my love too sexy for my loveLove's going to leave meI'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shirtSo sexy it hurtsAnd I'm too sexy for Milan too sexy for MilanNew York and JapanAnd I'm too sexy for your partyToo sexy for your partyNo way I'm disco dancingI'm a model you know what I meanAnd I do my little turn on the catwalkYeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeahI do my little turn on the catwalk."_

While singing I was currently dancing, while most of the boys whooped and cheered. I smiled to myself, I really was to _sexy for my shirt. _Turning around I walk outside of the classroom, making sure to over exaggerate the swaying of my hips. I _so _did not want to be there when McGonagall regained her senses.

Walking around the deserted corridors, I make my way to Flitwick's class, which was where George was, and his 5 sickles. I didn't even bother to go back to the Gryffindor common room to put on my clothes, because I just realizedhow much _fun _it is to turn the situation around.

Smirking, I stride into the Charms classroom, where the students were currently engrossed in the lesson. Though when the door closes, everyone turns around, while Professor Flitwick just squeaked and fell behind the chair.

My smirk increases as I leisurely stroll up to George, who didn't have the decency to keep his eyes on my face. I slam my hand down on the desk, catching his attention, as he turned his gaze to me, though his eyes were flicking between my face and my chest.

Leaning over I whisper "you owe me five sickles."


	7. My lover of a squid

_**The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball. **_

The Yule Ball was approaching swiftly, while females would either hug or slap their askers. The boys, on the other hand, were an increasing wreck and would jump at small noises. The only people who weren't affected by the ball was one Luna Lovegood and Mary-Jane Gray. Let's take a look shall we?

"For the millionth time I said no!" I shout at Zacharias Smith.

Ever since _The Incident, _(I refuse to acknowledge it, mostly because I now had 5 months of detention added to my usual quota, I wonder if they even noticed I would have graduated by the time half of these detentions were done.) a lot of boys have been coming up to me and asking me out on a date.

**Flashback**

**Cormac McLaggen swaggered up to me, as his hand messed up his hair. Instead of Mary thinking it was sexy, she merely looked puzzled. **_**'Is that idiot related to Lockhart?' **_**He walked up to her and leaned on his arm, his wrist lightly brushing her hair.**

"**Would you like to go on a date with me?" He breathed out in a whisper.**

"**No way in hell," I answered briskly before I turned to my friend Luna who was staring dreamily at the wall above Cormac's head. **

"**We're going to be late for class," I moved out under Cormac's arm as me and Luna went to our respective class.**

"**W-w-would you l-like t-t-to go out o-on a d-date w-w-with m-me?" A poor kid stammered to Mary who was hanging upside down from the ceiling. (don't ask.) Her eyes snapped open before saying "no." Than she proceeded to moonwalk out.**

**Seamus and Dean were talking in the corner, while the amused common room eavesdropped on them. Dean had his hands on Seamus's shoulders and vice versa. He was looking soberly into Seamus's eyes.**

"**Are you ready?" Dean asked solemnly, looking Seamus straight in the eye.**

"**I'm ready," Seamus repeated his eyes lit up with fierce determination.**

"**Are you sure?" Dean asked, slightly worried that his friend might blow it.**

"**I'm sure," Seamus stated before walking to Mary who was currently talking to something that looked like a cross between a turtle and a high heel.**

**Dean muttered to himself as he looked at Seamus his eyes filled with pride "you are ready young, stoned, grasshopper."**

**Seamus stood behind Mary, his confidence rapidly vanishing. He scratched the back of his head, wondering how to address Mary. He wasn't close to her, no, that privilege was reserved for Fred, George, Luna, and Blaise.**

**Mary turned from her conversation with the turtle/high heel and looked up at Seamus.**

"**Have you met Bloodcharm Chuck the III?" Mary asked holding up the hybrid.**

"**Uh, no; how did he come to be?" Seamus stumbled out, trying to regain his lost courage. **

"**Transfiguration accident, McGonagall wanted to kill him, I thought it was murder. I'm debating whether to give it to Fred and George or set it free," Mary stated shortly, as she stroked the Bloodcharm Chuck the III.**

"**Yeah, that's great," Seamus stated absent mindedly as he scratched the behind of his head. Deciding to just get over it, he blurted out "wouldyouliketogooutwithme?"**

**Surprisingly Mary understood this as she stated shortly "no." At that she swept out of the room, leaving a Heartbroken Seamus behind.**

At that I shook my head, '_stop having flashbacks in the medal of the day' _I mentally yell in my head. I would hold out for the guy and ask him out (mostly because Lee's going to give me a galleon if I actually manage to accomplish this.)

I stood up in my chair as I pointed my index finger at the ceiling "I _will _have him!" At that, the common room flinched collectively. A firstie started wailing as Hermione tried to comfort it, I mean her.

I dashed out of the common room, heading outside as I knocked over 5 first years, 1 sixth year, and Filch. As soon as I got outside I turned my running into a jog, heading straight for the lake. I ignored the yells of 'she's out' and 'every man for himself!'

I dive into the lake, only for my head to hit the rocks, I ignored the red, trickling substance running down my neck as I went further into the water. Very few people know this, but when I was little I used to swim all the time.

I caught a flash of white as I turned to look at the giant squid. _It looked like the one in MarioKart. _

I make sure I have the squids attention, before pointing to myself, doing a faux dance, and than pointing at him. Surprisingly the squid nodded before it disappeared in a cloud of ink.

I swam up for air as Fred clicks a stopwatch and shouted out " 1 minute and 35.2 seconds. Who put that down as a bet?" The crowd groaned before looking in their pockets for money.

I walk out with as much dignity I can muster, before giving him the stink eye. With my middle finger. He just laughed as he counted the galleons he made.

I just started walking back to the castle, before I heard the falling of footsteps, I turned to see Fred racing up to me.

"What's up, buttercup?" Fred asked, I curse the day I showed him muggle movies!

"Nothing new, kangaroo," I mocked as he fell in step with me.

"So what's this I hear about Lee, The Giant Squid, a galleon, and a pixie?" Fred questioned as he held the door open for me, only to make it slam in my face.

"When did a pixie get dragged into this?" I yell as it echoes down the hallway. Here Fred parted ways saying something about an invisibility thong.

I tickle the pear as its laughter echoes throughout chambers. Poor Hufflepuff's, they hear insane laughter in their common room, making them believe they are crazy. Not that they aren't.

"Mistress Mary you is a finally coming for snacks," the poor little bugger squeaked as she threw herself ay my legs, hugging them to death. I love my minions… I mean house elves.

"Daisy is a sorry for Dobby acting like a bad house elf. What does Mistress want, Daisy can a be getting it!" She asked.

"Daisy, can you be getting a large glass tank for me, please?" I asked, only for Daisy to throw herself at my knees (personally, I thinks that's their favorite place to hug.) sobbing.

"Mistress is so nice, to be using lease for a house elf like Daisy!" She sobbed her tennis ball eyes filled with tears.

"Miss Gray?" McGonagall asked. I turn from my gobstones game as I hear a loud squelch implying that Ron lost a point.

"Yes?" I say as I make another move, my back still turned to Ron, I hear another squelch.

"The house elves have told me about this tank of yours, and I believe it warrants 2 days of detention."

"Aw, fuc-"

_**I believe my writings getting better, no? **_


	8. I'm hardcore

_**I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore". **_

I hated Umbitch, with passion. How could a demon be let into Hogwarts wards. I mean, I've seen Harry holding his hand with care. Pffttt! I'm not stupid. Not even his friends noticed.

Maybe she's a vampire. That would explain her obsession with blood and torture! So, she's with Moldyshorts's death munchers, and that's why she's denying his existence. Than she pretends to hate 'half-breeds' and 'creatures' for cover. Now all we need is a stake…

I wince as Harry come's in through the painting, his hand cradled to his chest. I pat the Murlap essence in my pocket and walk up to him.

"You must not tell lies," I hand him the Murlap Essence, as I wink at him, before going up to my dormitory.

Little did she know, she scared Harry more than helped him. _What happened? She's acting sane!_

"I thought it was the apocalypse," Harry told an enthralled common room. They were hanging on to the edge of their seats.

"But weren't you scared?" Asked a firstie, who was hugging a teddy bear close to her chest. Her eyes were wide, leaking with tears.

"I was terrified. I saw my eyes flash before my eyes," Harry said as everyone shook their heads in sympathy, than the firstie launched herself into Harry's lap. She clung to his neck as she started sobbing.

"I mean she was acting _normal," At that, the collective common room gasped in unision, "It was- oh, hi Mary," Every person jumped as they turned to see Mary smiling like the cat that caught the canary._

"_Talking about me," I purred, as Harry at least had the decency to look ashamed at being caught gossiping._

"_She's doing it again!" Shouted a person._

"_Make it stop!" Shouted a different person._

"_She's sane!" Cried another person._

"_McGonagall can help us!" Yelled Hermione, as they stampeded out of the common room, leaving it empty of but two ginger haired twins. I walk up to them, proudly showing my hand off._

"_That is hardcore," Observed George, as he examined it closer. Fred grudgingly handed me two knut's._

_For there printed for all to see was 'I told you I was hardcore."_


	9. Moaning Myrtle get's an eyeful

_**I will stop referring to bathing as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful". **_

I hated our normal bathrooms. So, ever since I first came here I would usually go into the prefects bathroom. The prefect's bathroom was perfect, except for one tiny glitch.

"MYRTLE GET OUT OF HERE, I'M NAKED!" I shout as I shoot out of the tub and wrapped a towel around me. I turn to give the evil eye, to the pervy ghost."Oh, poo, I thought you were Harry," Myrtle says, as she crosses her arms over her chest, not the least bit embarrassed about her stalker-like tendencies.

I chuck a random shampoo bottle at her head, as soon as it flies through her, she starts wailing before she dives into a toilet.

I quickly grab my nightgown, slip it on, and start walking out as the painting closes behind me. I felt dirty, what was to stop other ghosts from looking in. I felt bad for Harry also, that ghost is just creepy.

I say the password (Dipthong) and go in. Only to immediately wish I hadn't. Someone (I have my suspicions) turned the entire common room pink, frilly, and _girly. _"What the hell happened in here? I half shriek, half cry. I shivered in terror, as I look at a puppy picture on the wall. It was hideous. I find a corner and start sobbing in it.

"Isn't she reacting a little to dramatically?" I heard someone say, but I refused to turn around. My corner of haven had the least bit of pink, but the most purple flowers. I sniffle, refusing to believe this is real.

"Yeah, but this is _Mary_," I knew that voice, it was George! I turn around, as I started rhythmically rocking back and forth, my eyes darting to the walls and floor, and than back.

"Mary can you hear me?" I nod frantically at the soothing voice before my vision starts to go black, and than I fainted.

"Lavender was lucky, I didn't have _her_ faint at my party." I glare at the person who said so.

"Mary, where were you, I couldn't find you on Harry's _map," _Fred stressed the word map, as if I was to dense to figure it out. It's so _obviously a collie named Lassie who couldn't find me. Either that or blood charm Chuck the III, has finally learned to talk, and spoke of where it's master was._

"_Mary?" George asked, snapping me out of my daydream of a leprechaun dressed in a Sherlock Holmes outfit leading an investigation to find me._

"_I was giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful," I grumble out, before my eyes come to reste on the pink wall._

"_The horror!"_


End file.
